i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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