I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
He shit in the fireplace
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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