I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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