I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
