good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
