Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
