I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
