I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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