even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
