He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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