i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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