there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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