So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
