Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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