I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Randomize
