mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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