dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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