i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
