My room smells like vodka and shame
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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