he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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