I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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