hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
