I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
