If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
