I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I think I sprained my soul last night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
