Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
