I can text with my tongue
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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