my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
