explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
