I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
