So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
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