A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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