Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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