Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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