I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
