My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
