Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
