I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I need a burrito and a hug.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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