he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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