well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I can text with my tongue
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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