i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
