I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
