Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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