Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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