She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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