I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Randomize
