Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
