Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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