he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
