We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Im part way to drunk.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
