The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
