I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I feel like death gave me a hand job
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
