...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
